April 19th: Cool Moon Ice Cream, NW 11th & Johnson

Marisa:

Before heading to this spot I looked at the menu online (gotta do your research people). I got excited because there are multiple combinations of cherry and chocolate ice cream. So I knew going in I was going to choose: Bing Cherry Almond Chip, Chocolate Cherry and Cherry Vanilla (no chocolate but I kept it in the running) +1 for that.

Cool Moon is in a great location after getting your cone you can just walk across the street to Jamison Square, which we did, to enjoy whichever flavor you chose. The decor is plain, a few colored, plastic chairs scattered around wood tables. The menu is written on the back wall on a giant chalkboard, I’m guessing to update what flavors are available that day, only one of my choices was available so that was disappointing.

After scoping all the choices (I had to find out what I was going to miss out on), and waiting behind an old man that had to try almost every single freaking flavor I was able to order my regular Cherry Almond Chip in a chocolate dipped waffle cone. There were plenty of chocolate flakes swirled into the ice cream which I love and the almonds added a nice crunch. Although there were large slices of Bing cherries, the cherry flavor wasn’t as strong as I would like. And the cone itself wasn’t very flavorful. -1 for that.

I think overall Cool Moon is a great little shop, and even though I love the fact that’s local next time I think I’ll walk the 5 blocks to Ben and Jerry’s for my old faithful Cherry Garcia.

Tyson:

Apparently I was angry in my last post. I will try and make this one more happy. On the way to Cool Moon the girl in her Honda behind me mistook her gas pedal for her brake pedal (Not a good start to this). Luckily, there wasn’t any damage (besides a little to my neck). Now from what I have heard from people and from the reviews I have read, Cool Moon was getting blown up more than Barry Bond’s steroid infused head/ego. I expected not only the best Ice Cream I have ever had in my life, but to need a change in undergarments after the first bite. Anything less would be a failure obviously! Well, fail away Cool Moon because you are the locomotion on the over-hype train.

As Marisa said, the location is one of the bests in the city. Jamison Park is one of my favorite in Portland. But, I think this great location brings on the hype for this establishment. I mean with REI down the street, some of the best over-priced living in the city and it being an unspoken requirement for walking around to have a little furry vagina-dog on a leash, their ice cream parlor HAS to be the BEST in the city, right?! Marisa also described the dull interior well. The writing on the chalk board is a good idea for rotating flavors, but with poor execution. I could barely read what was written. From what I could tell deciphering the chicken scratch [shit] writing on the board it was more to get the same amount of ice cream in a waffle cone as in a bowl. Cones are synopsis with Ice Cream and the customer should never be penalized for wanting one! Worst infraction of the day was the .40 cent charge for using my debit card! Doucheiness! -3

On to the flavors…. for the most part they were typical and boring. There was some originality here, but with the hype I wanted more of something unique, and regular chocolate is not anymore special, just because you put the word “Belgium” in front of it. Looking on their menu they do have some interesting sounding flavors, yet most of them were absent today. I got a bowl with a scoop of Belgium Chocolate and a scoop of one of their most original flavors “Funky Chocolate Goldmine” which sounds promising! When paying I saw a rich looking Chocolate Sorbet tucked in the corner and immediately wish I saw it earlier instead of the Belgium (maybe if I could read the hieroglyphics on the chalk board). The Belgium Chocolate was not any more “sweet” like the sign promised and tasted like your typical chocolate you could get at the store for a $1.99. The Funky Chocolate Goldmine was though a pleasant surprise. It is described as a “reverse cookies and crème” as it is chocolate ice cream with vanilla cookie chunks. The cookies were nice and chunky and had a strong vanilla taste that was nice with the chocolate. This flavor was almost good enough to win a point back for Cool Moon, but remember what I said earlier? My pants were drier than a crackhead’s ashy lips. Cool Moon isn’t bad; but not wad-blowing good either which is a FAIL! -1

In the end they are a product of their own demise. They are decent, but I would much rather go to B&J or Cold Stone any day. And, it’s really the flimflam propaganda spread about them that drops them lower on my score card.

Final Grade 6 out of 10

And I don’t think I accomplished my goal in this post. Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.

Lia is currently Sick Face :(

April 12th, 2011: Ben & Jerry’s, SE Hawthorne – Free Cone Day

Same Event, Same Ben & Jerry's, Different Year

Tyson:

First off, let me start by saying, critiquing anything you get for free is about as useless and irrelevant of a task as a plot in a porno. If anybody were to tell me they watched “Pirates” for Jesse Jane’s character development, I would punch them in the balls/vagina and strap them in a chair forcing them to watch a 2 day marathon of “Hollywood Homicide.” Despite the stupidity of the act; I will critique my testicles off on a Free Event for the sake of getting this experiment off the ground.

First thing I thought when my car drove by Ben & Jerry’s was “HOLY SHIT THE ENTIRE CITY IS HERE!” The line intimidated me. I called Marisa and said I doubt if free ice cream is worth it and maybe we should walk down to Cold Stone and pay for ice cream with no waiting. I met up with Lia, who already was in line. We were surrounded my adolescents and younger, and about all of these little shits obviously had already gotten a cone or two for themselves; because they all were tripping balls off the sugar. It also was 4 pm meaning a nearby Junior High had just gotten out so the place was surrounded with pimply faced Middle Schoolers, for sure the most annoying age to deal with in Youth. All of this wasn’t really in any control of Ben & Jerry’s but still is involved in my thought process on assessment and evaluation of the event. -1

The line was long, but moved pretty well and after about 20 minutes we were at the door of the establishment (By the way, from the signs up in the windows, I’m pretty sure using the bathroom without paying will result in death by decapitation). A big positive for this event is you can pick any flavor they have, none of that “Free Cone but only in Vanilla” bullshit companies can try and pull. Marisa branched out and picked Cherry Garcia, possibly the only flavor from Ben & Jerry’s she has ever had in her life (That’s my girl!). I picked my recent favorite from B&J’s: Chocolate Therapy. Lia copied me because she knows a ginger knows what’s up! I ordered through a cute yet docile creature who got me my cone last (even though I ordered first) as she couldn’t get through to the bin to get my flavor (getting cut off my Lia’s server getting the same thing). The Cone is small of course, but not completely midget size. And the scoop was a decent full scoop. Pretty generous of them, for the sheer amount of product they are giving off for free today, to not totally skimp us on the quantity. +1

Now when I had this cone it was like every other time I’m had some B&J’s as the Ice Creaming Orgasims wasn’t conceived yet. So my critiquing is all in hindsight. Not like in the future when I will be making metal notes while in the process. Chocolate Therapy is a decent combination of different “chocolates” in one. It is Chocolate Ice Cream, with Chocolate Cookie chucks and “swirls” of chocolate pudding. The chunks are a little small and far between but ok when you get one, and the pudding does bring some nice subtle change up to the whole combination. My only issue with the flavor is I like my ice cream to not only arouse my taste buds, but to grab me by the balls. Maybe because it is watered down for the masses but it’s just not enough of a kick for me. It could be sweeter, richer or chunkier. But instead it goes for a little of everything and in the end a slight bit bland. The Cookie bits are nice, but not anything to cream in your pants about. It just lacks that over-the-topness I am searching for.

After eating our cones we all hung out outside for a little, mostly for a lack of anything to do as I had to go to work soon. The damn Junior High kids were increasing in numbers and increasing my aggravation. Seriously 6-8^th graders, we all know it is an awkward stage in life, and you are trying to establish your own identity, or some bullshit. But can you go do it on C.O.D. or sneaking a pack of cigarettes and bottle of Jack past your parents to your room or playing spin the bottle in your basement; rather than polluting the public with your desire for attention!

My final grade for this event was an 7.5 Out of 10

The Synopsis [It's A Bug's Life Edition]

So first off I want to say welcome everyone to the best blog you will ever read in your entire genealogies existence. The three authors of this blog are the two lovely ladies Marisa and Lia and I, the red-hot, red-headed sensation Tyson. The purpose of this blog is for us to find the best Ice Cream experience we can in the beautiful city of Portland, Oregon. Allow me to first introduce to you to the three bloggers:

Marisa